“Mighty Morphin Power Orphans” or “That Orphans’ Got More Gold Than I Do!”
World of Warcraft is an expansive universe… and perhaps due to its sheer scale, it can be a little strange. It is a world where the primary means of fighting are with swords and maces and axes and daggers and wands and… guns? it is a world where you travel by horses and bears and griffins and proto-drakes and… choppers? It is a fantasy universe of might and magic and arcanum and ancient prophecies and… spacecrafts? The point is, although the level of anachronism WoW is capable of can be confusing at times, there are elements in the game that go beyond time and space irregularities.
Take the world events for instance. These days it is Children’s Week, where you sponsor an orphan and take him around to see the world and accomplish various (ridiculous) achievements. But there are a few things that throw me off.
First, isn’t it just a little offensive to call your orphan using a whistle, like you would with a pet? Here boy! Come and get it! And as the item description suggests itself, you have agreed to look after that orphan. So shouldn’t you keep the kid in your sight at all times? Why do you have to constantly use a whistle to gain the kid’s attention? Maybe the kid has some serious ADD issues?
Second, how come my orphan can offer me oodles of gold for the plethora of quests (between 6-7 quests, depending on which orphan you got), as a reward for every location I take him to. How does he have access to so much gold? Where does he even keep all this gold? Is this orphanage some sort of elaborate scam? Sucker you in with the promise of some achievements, only to con you out of all your savings, forcing you to mortgage your house, sell your time-share and trade in that Prius for a 10-year old Subaru? Are the kids really not orphans? What the hell is going on man?
Third, as is the case with most companion pets, my orphan can run at the blazing speed of my 120% speed land mount (Crusader Aura: na-na-nana-na!) That is an incredible skill! Where we regular mortals need ground mounts to achieve that sort of speed, these little guys can muster enough energy our of their legs to accomplish the same feat. And if the kid is so agile and dexterous now, how much more powerful will he be once he grows up?