“A Record-Breaking Heat Wave Hits Azeroth Just in Time For Midsummer” or “Anna’s Gone Bananas”
[This is in response to Anna’s Friday Five-Hundred: Midsummer Sun.]
Midsummer in Elwynn can be a sordid affair. Temperatures soar, as if competing with the hottest lava rivulets in Blackrock. The air grows still, and on the rare occasion it blows, it reminds me of that one time I got caught in Onyxia’s Deep Breath. The water levels in and around Elwynn drops dramatically, and owing to certain miscreants and their loose bladders, swimming in any of the lakes and surrounding water bodies is severely prohibited.
Being a human has it’s advantages, everyone likes you better, at least by like 10%. But it also has its disadvantages. I for instance, could have benefited in the summers by being almost any one of the other Alliance races:
- For instance if I were a dwarf, I could be resting comfortably in the cool temperatures of Dun Morogh right now, a land perpetually blanketed in a sheet of snow.
- If I had been a gnome, I could have used one of the many contraptions they use to keep themselves cool as the temperatures rise higher than a Netherwing Matron in heat.
- The draenei have a unique solution altogether, they call it “central air-conditioning”, a function of their now-defunct flying ship thing that crashed up north all those years ago. Apparently these advanced machines regulate air flow, and keep the inside of Exodar at a moderate, cool temperature, regardless of how hot or cold it remains outside.
- And then there are the Night Elves. Bloody shape-shifters and whatnot. Whatever they do to keep cool in the summer I am not interested in. I can’t trust anything that doesn’t walk on two legs at all times. Except for Woolly Mammoths. They’re cool.
The worst part about being the Paladin class is the plate armor. First of all it itches, in places you don’t want to scratch in public. Second, and as you can well imagine, being encapsulated inside a metal cocoon all day essentially gives me all the comfort and warmth of the industrial furnaces that power Ironforge.
I even visited the hair-dresser to give my head a smaller crop of hair, but even that seemed to have negligible effect on my predicament. I have tried wearing cloth armor, but after being universally mocked and made fun of, I have decided the heat is easier to bear than the unrelenting sarcasm and derision.
But I think I may have finally found a solution that works to my advantage. A friend of mine from the once mighty city of Gnomeragan, a gnome mage called OMGWTFBBQQQ, and I have struck a deal. I will charge him nay a single sovereign for enchanting his gear, and he will aid me by dueling me on hot summer days and lobbing an endless barrage of frost bolts in my direction. I am going to the Old Town to meet him, enchant his gear, and then engage in the “cool down” duel. I will update this post as soon as the duel is over.
Update: That double-crossing bastard! Now I have frostbite in Midsummer!